Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically known for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely outside of spot. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

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  A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate

  
  


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  The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

  
  


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  A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")

  
  


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  And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

  
  

Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let us have Yet another location exactly where American Gentlemen can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer you Everybody a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

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  Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

  
  


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  Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

  
  


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  A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

  
  

"This really is tender electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It really is that he must stop using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested regarding the venture, replied, "You realize, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Terrific tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from space, a feature remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the making's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It is not just ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Baffling Options

Probably the strangest aspect of your tower is its Trump Tower Damascus Melania Wing, which contains:

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  A silent atrium where by attendees may possibly contemplate vague disappointment

  
  


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  A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Handle set to "distant"

  
  


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  A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.

  
  

Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Come"

The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."

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  A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister

  
  


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  The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

  
  


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  And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

  
  

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will also incorporate:

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  A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

  
  


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  A Concept Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

  
  


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  And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War

  
  

Comment Section Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD may have switch-down assistance."

A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences recommend:

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  China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

  
  


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  Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

  
  


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  And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.